Just really can not put these last two months into words. It’s been that long since I’ve posted and so many changes have occurred.
My cousin, Alicia, was placed on life support so very unexpectedly . Alicia was only six years older than me and just the most funniest, caring, sociable, beautiful inside and out, amazing soul you will ever meet. She was the party of any event and told you how it was all at the same time. She genuinely cared about friends and family but always loved to have a good time all in the same. I had a really hard time with her passing and couldn’t believe it had happened. Depression was definitely a daily occurrence for me and I was just trying to deal with what to do next. What that means and what that looks like. Our family has been plagued with so much tragedy.
After Alicia’s passing, life was just out of control for me. Getting our house ready to sell, moving into a smaller temporary apartment, the physical work, etc. Training just seemed to be on the fly and really consisted of moving boxes constantly, staying up all night cleaning, living off of a hardboiled egg as the one and only “meal” all day long.
Get my drift? I was burning myself into the ground with grief (emotional) and physical (moving and no nutrition on a daily basis) that looking back…I’m surprised I didn’t injure myself earlier. We took our first vacation and went camping for a few days after the house was pretty much ready to be placed on the market. Took a nice long run along the Hood Canal, took time to reflect, spent time with my family and friends, so much more that I felt a little like myself again for a brief time…
The next week, baby Lily got herself in a tricky situation, and I ran to save her from a falling chair and got myself a broken toe in the process. Lily is so good and perfectly healthy. At the time, it really hurt, but I truly thought it would turn into a really bad bruise. Then it occurred to me: can’t walk on it and it’s turning purple are not good signs, so I called the doctor and got in the very next morning. One nerve wrecking Xray later…yep, it’s a broken toe.
Doc placed me in a boot and crutches for 8 weeks, no running, and say goodbye to Hood to Coast and The Berlin Marathon. All running events that I had been training for and anxiously awaiting…gone. I probably sat in that exam room for half an hour and just cried…but was I surprised…yes and no. Surprised that it happened in the way it did, but relieved that I saved my baby from a big accident. But not surprised, because in the way our temporary apartment is set up, it’s a mess. And not surprised in the way that this year has sucked in so many ways. See….things have been so crazy, that our temporary apartment was an accident waiting to happen. Boxes, suitcases, stuff everywhere. One of us was bound to have an accident. But in life, we are usually in survival mode, not thinking or looking at the little details. My beautiful cousin passed away and I really just can’t wrap my mind around anything. The energy I had left had been in getting the house ready, moving everything out and into the apartment (not caring where it went), appointments with contractors, logistics back and forth, then our long awaited vaca (camping), and getting that together after moving, organizing this maze, ended up being my one little biggest mistake.
Now, I’ve come to the realization that all my hard work will have to wait until next year and I probably have a lot of healing to do emotionally and physically. I’m starting to be okay with that and say it out loud. Working on weaknesses, organizing the apartment so an accident doesn’t happen again, and just saying to myself, “this was not my time,” and everything happens for a reason that we aren’t sure at the time but makes sense in the long run. Sometimes you have good long runs and sometimes you have really bad long runs. In the eye and mind of a runner and mother of 5 who just lost one of her best friends/cousin, I’m looking at this tragedy and injury as a really bad long run, that will eventually make me a stronger person and runner. If you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and persevere then you are way ahead of the game.
On the flipside, The Berlin Marathon is letting me defer my 2018 entry to 2019 after touching base with them about my accident and what options were available. The Berlin Marathon is a class act marathon and I haven’t even ran it yet!! Testament to how they treat their athletes and runners. That doesn’t happen very often, and I’m just so much in their debt. Thank you!!!
Wish me good luck with a boot, crutches, tiny apartment, dog who used to have a yard but now has to pee every hour, five kids… on getting around 🙂 But most importantly that the heart heals for each and every one of us.